My Husband is Homosexual--Another Spouse Speaks Out
I previously posted Susanne's e-mail response to my post What About the Spouse? Another woman left a moving comment about her own ordeal of being married to a man only to find out that he has been attracted to other men and lived a double life during years of marriage. I copied her words below (with paragraph breaks).Peterson, I would like to comment, since I am the wife (married for over 17 years) to a man who I found out a year ago.....is gay.
This guy was the love of my life. I "saved" myself for him. I was faithful to him. Even when our sex-life was extremely lacking and I felt unloved by him, I was in it for the long haul, and never cheated on him.
We have young children. Today, we are separated and headed toward divorce. It is like a bad dream on one hand, and pure relief on the other hand. Bad dream - well, that's obvious. Pure relief.....well, that is because I finally know it wasn't ME!
That whole time I felt responsible (i.e. not pretty enough for him, not cooking his favorite things for him enough, etc...) for his lack of love toward me, it wasn't anything having to do with ME, it was his orientation. His confusion. His secrecy.
As a Christian, I believe that God looks down MORE on my husband's dishonesty with me all those years than on his "being gay".
This has torn me up, and has torn up the whole family. Very painful! We are seeking to continue to be partners in raising our kids, and we will continue to be friends, especially for the kids' sake.
One last thing I'd like to mention is that a HUGE struggle I have is trying to reconcile my "best friend" with the man who has "covered up" his homosexuality all these years of our marriage, cheated on me during the marriage, and is emotionally cold toward me and to what this has done to me. They seem like two different men.
To all you single men out there: PLEASE.....if you are struggling with your orientation (even a little), do NOT pull a woman into your struggle with you. (At least not through covert operations)! It's not a good deal. Not for you, not for her. Give her the gift of being able to wait for a man who is secure in being able to commit to a heterosexual relationship with her. Nuff said?
posted by Peterson Toscano @ 12:44 PM
23 Comments:
Thank you another spouse!
"Give her the gift of being able to wait for a man who is secure in being able to commit to a heterosexual relationship with her."
I think that so many hetero wannabes think that everything will get better. To try to commit to a opposite-sex partner is a strange but very real leap of faith. If I just do my best the rest will follow... We hear of it so many times in books, films and on TV. If we just do our best to make it right magic will happen. And having heard that heterosexuality is the right thing I can understand why some marries without real attraction.
These stories need to be told, AND heard, before things can begin to change.
Thanks to "Another Spouse."
I can also speak from experience, but only anonymously. I'm married over 30 years, (separated over one year) and I read Peterson's blog nearly every day. It is through groups like Soulforce, Mel White's books, Peterson's posts and from comments, links and other blogs, that I've learned so much since my husband came out to me and to our kids.
In short, here is our history: We both came from Christian families, and had grown up in the Methodist Church. We married in the mid-70s, and were active in a popular movement known as the "faith movement." These were the days of "name it/claim it," and we went for the whole thing.
Thank God that we didn't stay long and we left that group. We entered another era which involved ministry. We became less legalistic, but we remained in a fundamentalist church. During all these years, my husband still believed that if he prayed sincerely enough, repented enough times, and served God faithfully, he hoped that someday, somehow, he could be "healed" of his secret same-sex desires.
During our marriage we had four children, and our family life was really a joy. My husband and I have been very loving and close, except for the distance he'd maintain over certain very, very important issues. Like, that he was having gay thoughts off and on for years. I'd know that he had...something bothering him...but I didn't know what.
I felt very comfortable in our relationship, until about 2 1/2 years ago, when, due to what I thought was his depression, things changed drastically and suddenly.
That is when I got scared. At one point, we had a huge fight over something small. I asked, "why is this all about your needs and nothing about mine?" And he answered, "Because if I don't figure this out, I'm going to ******* kill myself." And I was terrified that he would. Yet when he looked into my eyes, I knew he really did love me, but something was terribly, awfully, wrong.
It was another 6 months until he came out to us. Those months were bad - but to the outside world we kept up a facade. My husband would disappear for hours at a time. He slept late, took long naps, and went to bed before me. (We are self-employed, and I covered for him.) I couldn't reach him on his cell phone. I was worried big-time, but I didn't know how to help. Finally, I thought if he would just talk to another counselor (he'd been on anti-depressants, seen counselors and doctors before) there might be help. At the point where we had a family intervention, and our 22-year-old daughter said, "...and Dad, I was afraid to find you dead," that my husband broke down to reveal the words, "...and I'm gay." That didn't seem to fit - it couldn't be true - there must be some mistake in what I heard. I'd always believed that God put us together. I'd known my husband for nearly 30 years. How could this be true?
Now, this happened on the same day in 2004 that the tsunami hit in S.E. Asia. I identified it to be my own tsunami. Hurricanes, like Charley in SW Florida, had hit simultaneously with my husband's depression and our rocky life (that used to be peaceful) - but this had not left a shred of what seemed normal to me. I can't tell you all the shattering that happened.
My saving grace was that my husband had not lived a double life that some families have to experience. We sought counseling together (although it took several to find one who actually was a help to us), and my faith has taken a turn, though I believe it is for the better. Through examining what is best for each of us, we have realized that it is probably better that we separate in order to be true to each of ourselves.
I pray that the things I have learned are making me a more loving person to all people. Although I didn't realize it at the time, my beliefs about gays/lesbians were hurtful. I apologize. I was wrong.
Now my life is different in many ways, and in some ways it is sad. My kids are all out of the house, and I'm alone. I do talk to my husband every day, and he is free to be openly gay in his own surroundings (another state). He is beginning to accept himself, and that is a start.
I'm still not sure how to work out my own life - it was "us" for so long that it was all I knew. I actually look forward to the time when my husband is "out" so that I can speak out openly as well. In our circles of friends, none of them have understood. They all just think he is deceived or something, being selfish, stupid, hurtful. I miss my life in church, but it makes me angry that WE, as followers of Jesus have turned our backs on gay people in the past.
Personally, I have changed my viewpoint, even though my husband can't change his orientation. I remain proud of him and who he is. I support and defend the rights of people to love whomever pleases them. Meanwhile, I will keep reading posts, books, and listening to others. Who knows what else I'll need to change? Maybe along the way, someone else will listen. I hope so.
love to all,
C
C, bless you. Thank you for writing and sharing your story. (I'm crying as I write this moved by your words)
I hope many people will read your comment and find help and direction. And I hope for you that you will discover yourself after being an "us" for so long. Sort of your own coming out experience. Coming out as you. A tough process that requires loving and affirming people to gather around us and love us back to life.
I will hold you in the Light.
Thanks, Peterson. You are always an encourager.
C!
I was very moved by your comment. I wish you all the best, that you´re able to find yourself and identify you, not an us. I know it can be very hard, and I can only imagine what it would be like after so many years. I was in a relationship with a man I truly loved for three years and we were a match made in heaven. But still not, because at the end of our relationship I was beginning to understand something wasn´t right.
He saw it first, we even sat down and talked about the signs and possibility of me being gay. I just shut if of, telling myself I was bisexual to be able to stay with the man I truly loved. But it didn´t take long before I realized he was right.
I was very lucky to be with him, he is to this day still very supportive and caring and even though I miss what we had I am glad I was able to come out and find who I truly am, before we married and had kids.
How I wish I could bring the courage it takes to be honest and in someways hurt the one you love, bring it into all those people living in families that are torn apart because one of them are gay.
Thank you, all of you who shared stories on this blog and others, your words are very important!
C,
Tears, peace, blessing.
Thank you
I remember at one of the transsexual support group meetings the wife’s passionate plea; I will hear it for as long as I live. It was so filled with emotion and despair, half crying and half pleading; “I want my husband back!” that it brought me to crying because I knew that there was no way for that to happen.
We hide because of societal pressures, we see how society portrays gays and lesbians and transsexuals and we say I am not like them, that is not me.
We live in our own self denial. We think we can stop any time we want that if only we purge our stash of clothes or if only I get married and that will cure me. We hide it not only from others but also from ourselves until the pressure builds up and we commit suicide or it affects our health. We hide in shame and self-loathing. We have this fear that our world will come to an end if anyone found out, that we could not live with ourselves if any one knew.
I wish that there was an easy way to relieve that pain that the spouses go through or the guilt that some spouses have (If only I was more womanly he would have never become gay) or the sense of betrayal. I wish we could relieve that pain that the children have to go through. But there is no way.
One of my biggest emotions that I have to overcome is the feeling that somehow I have let my family down.
It is a hard life that we live and also for everyone who loves us.
diana_ct, thank you for sharing so much of yourself in your comment. Very powerful words.
Good advice from spouse here:
>To all you single men out there: PLEASE.....if you are struggling with your orientation (even a little), do NOT pull a woman into your struggle with you.
However, let us not forget that some many in these situations don't take this advice because of what the church teaches--they are trying to overcome their homosexuality and think marriage will help that. We shouldn't be too hard on those who find themselves gay and married to a heterosexual.
Thank you to all who have commented here. I am coming out at age 51. My wife and I love it other very much, but I cannot be the husband she deserves. So, after 20 years of marriage, we will be separating soon. It is all so very sad, for both of us.
I know that it is worse for her, because I am moving "toward" something new. She is just being left behind.
I wish, I pray, I hope that there is some other way. Just as I have wished and prayed and hoped that I would wake up "straight" some morning. I am so sorry. But the truth is the only thing that will set us free. And the truth is infinitely better for our children, too.
Shalom to all, Joe.
We met in church and dated for some years before marriage well over a decade ago. As Christians we wanted to do everything the "right way". We talked extensively about our lives before Christ intervened we sought marital counselling. We asked the blessing of our dysfunctional families. He was my best friend and I trusted him to love me. But over the course of these long years of struggle and insecurity and dealing with the shadows of our own pain, his faith has eroded to nothing and he has returned into the man he was before... he claims to be gay. Although he has not cheated on me physically, my heart is ripped out. How could he be so selfish to throw away the love I have for him? How could he reject me as wife and lover and betray me as a friend? For what? A few moments of pleasure? I feel so used. I feel so unloved and rejected. He wants to stay married for the sake of our children, but what reason do I have? When the kids are gone, will I have a husband who loves me and wants me? No! I have nothing. All I wanted was a friend to love and to love me. And he is throwing that all away for what?
anonymous, thank you for leaving your comment and sharing some of your story. How painful! It sounds like a terrible time of hurt and confusion, one loaded with many questions.
I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this right now. It is good that you are looking for resources and forums to help you in this crisis.
These are murky waters for everyone involved, for you, your husband, the children and the ripples extend. Each one of you needs support and compassion and listening ears from people who can be useful. Your needs and concerns and life and future are all valid.
Do consider contacting the Straight Spouse Network. If nothing else, they have useful resources on their site, but also support groups in many parts of North America and even Europe.
I am the "another spouse" who left that first message. Just to give you an update....Things are not easy, by a long shot, but we are being civil. I commented to my ex-husband recently that it's as if I have a long-lost friend back. He has opened up to me much more since he came out than he ever did during the course of our marriage. Go figure! I have had to let God do some serious work in me. And I know it's because of His grace that I can go forward. I do agree that many churches make it IMPOSSIBLE for someone who is struggling with sexual orientation to voice that and deal with it. Okay, the fact is that is SCARES most churches and pastors. It used to scare me. I'm not scared of the subject any more, but I do know that I have to choose carefully who I speak with about it. I understand now that my ex wasn't deliberately setting out to wreck my life. He thought he was doing the right thing. I just wish he would've TRUSTED me as a friend way back when we were dating, and let me know there were some issues there. I never would've deserted him as a friend. I'm not that kind of person. Sure, I would've put a halt to an engagement, but not to the friendship. I have always loved him, and I still do. But I love him now as a brother in Christ, and as a close friend. People don't understand how we can do that. I just tell them that our #1 priority is seeing our children grow up healthy, happy, and feeling secure that both of us love them forever. And besides, unforgiveness is a destructive spirit that I don't care to possess. I am thankful for the good things we experienced together, and for what I learned from him. I'm thankful for how this is helping me to become a stronger and more confident woman. I have been hurt, but I have also been blessed. I am grateful.
I need some advice. This is so hard for me.
My boyfriend of two+ years just told me last weekend that he is about 70% straight and 30% gay. I know he loves only me, well 100% of the straight 70%, but he has never "experimented" with the same sex like kissing or whatever.
Our relationship has always been serious. Whenever we met, there was an instant attraction/love. We both have never been interested in anyone else. But my concern is that if we get married in 4 or so years, that he won't someday cheat or leave me for another man to satisfy his curiousity.
When he was about 16, his father left his mother for another man. They'd been married for over 20 years, but his father never told his wife that he was gay before she found him cheating on her with a man. My boyfriend thinks that this sexual frustration built up in his father so much that it all came out at once hurting his whole family.
Unlike his father, I don't know if telling me that he is essentially bisexual that it will simmer his eye for other men or give him more of an inclination to search out his curiousity.
Like I've said, I love him with all of my heart and want to be with him the rest of my life. But I have to know if he is 100% for me or not.
Should he go explore his orientation? Should I tell him to explore knowing that he does not want to end up like his father? I feel like if our relationship is to succeed in the future that he has to "get this out of his system." This crushes me dearly because I want to be with him forever, but I know that many times it never leaves the system because being gay is who a person is.
I hate feeling this way, but I am so angry, hurt, frustrated, and full of sorrow over this. Please pray for me to love and accept him still if he decides not to come back to me. He is the only one I will ever truly love.
Stephanie
I have been married for 12 years, and i have four kids. 3 months ago i told my husban that i was pregnant with our fifth child,and that day he said that he wanted a divorce. 3 days after that he said that he was gay,and has been since we met, but he was trying to hide, and knew that his family wanted him to have kids and get married. I never saw any signs of him being gay, and neither did any one else. We had split up a few times, and he delt with other women, and he has never been with men, except for when he was a teenager. Here i am now 3 months pregnant, and i am upset, and humiliated. My blood pressure is so high right now,and my kidneys are failing. All i can think about is taking my own life. I have no idea where to turn.
Anonymous, what a dreadful situation. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Seems like the worst of times for a break-up and your husband coming out to you.
I am so glad that you wrote, as you cannot keep this stuff to yourself. You have enough of a load to bear as it is. This one needs to be shared with others who can help you.
I suggest you contact the Straight Spouse Network. http://www.straightspouse.org/ When you contact them, say it is urgent that they respond immediately. (They get many e-mails, so you want to make sure they get to yours as quickly as possible.)
There are other women out there who have been through what you are going through right now.
Although he has come out gay, your husband still has a responsibility to his family. I hope he fulfills that responsibility even as he goes through the coming out process. He may misread any strong emotional reaction you may have and assume it is homophobia on your part. He has had decades to consider his sexuality. This is all new to you, so you will go through many stages of emotions--shock, anger, guilt, fear, etc. That doesn't mean you are homophobic, just trying to grapple with a new reality that directly affects you and your children.
If you find that you don't get a quick enough answer from the Straight Spouse Network, e-mail me directly p2son@earthlink.net and I will put you in contact with someone.
You are not alone and you will get through this. You will find others to stand with you and support you.
Peterson
Mind the Bear said this:
"I know that it is worse for her, because I am moving "toward" something new. She is just being left behind."
This made me angry on your wife's behalf. It shows how vain you are and unable to see how far you have scrapped your wife, and made her feel scrapped. She deserves much more than this. No doubt she has loved and cared for and forgiven you, and been alongside you for years wondering what was wrong all this time....and how noble that was....and you say she is "just being left behind".
That phrase is so heartbreaking.
I am a wife in her position, but my husband is still around, still lying, still in denial, still trying to mess with my head by leading me to think that there is nothing going on when there IS there IS there IS. And I am still here making a home out of a house: being kind and gentle, speaking the truth in love, worrying and waiting and cooking, cleaning, washing etc. etc. etc.
Waiting for him to honour me with the truth.
But I am worth more than to be a cleaner and a surrogate mother, and to be abandoned: and so are we all who are wives of homosexuals. I will NOT be "just left behind". I have a life to be proud of. I have talents. I have gifts. I will move forward at speed because God has brought me through this problem in His love. I will continue to love others and to do good to all men. I will continue to live by the love of God and by His commandments. And I will never ever, as long as I live, scrap anyone for any reason, the way you just scrapped your wife.
Girls, we need a forum. Is there one?
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